When I’ve had lovers in the past, I would be most interested in sex with them when I was feeling flat and in a funk. It’s a loaded term for me as well and I’ve felt a good deal of shame about it for a while. Yes, I can “lose myself” in it for a while, and I’m noticing a little charge for me there as I say that.
This was my “Fairy Tale Fantasy” about how such an ideal women would behave and believe about herself.Similarly, one of the main reasons why so many men surf porn is because it’s a temporary stress reliever. Since I used to suck at feeling my feelings and I was emotionally constipated (due to my conditioning), I resorted to the limited tool belt I had; stuffing, distracting, avoiding, masking, hiding, masturbation, fucking, or projecting it outward through blame. I love appreciating and experiencing another human being for more than just her physical traits.So objectifying women is temporarily helpful for me when I want relief, even though it’s comes at a cost and it ultimately doesn’t help me in the long term. This requires I meditate, connect to someone I love and slow down. What I prefer physically doesn’t in itself inspire me to want to connect with a woman, and doesn’t in itself have me feel attracted.It happens almost always when I had stuff to feel deep down that I simply didn’t want to feel. F.’s comment,“As I have sat with it a little longer, the simple answer is that I feel it will make me feel better.
If i am feeling some sort of unrest within myself, I will seek to get something from “her”, to “suck her beauty” in some way; And that will somehow feed me / nourish me, and help me get me by for a time…”My own experience?
The other part was my unwillingness to believe that someone would have good intentions toward me if I had good intentions toward them.