Much like a garden won’t grow without the right soil, water and care, most women can’t access their sexual desire unless they feel safe, and we as men have the brilliant opportunity to create that, and when we don’t we’re simply shooting ourselves in the foot.When women don’t feel safe, they don’t want to have sex.Most of all, I wanted to know that she had a clear mind, and I wanted to know what was in the way of her being a 100% yes, not because I had an agenda to get somewhere, but because it would help us feel safe with each other.
I’ve never said no to someone and been afraid they would become violent.
I started having experiences that were incredibly fulfilling both sexually and emotionally. One even joked about starting a yelp page and writing me a 5-star review.
I don’t say this to make myself look good, I say it because I’m desperately trying to have men understand that emphasizing communication doesn’t make sex worse, it makes it better, and it makes both people want to do it again afterwards. I used to see movies where men forced themselves on women until they said yes, and believe that was how things should be.
The more I talked with women about permission and consent, the more I saw how rare it was, even for “good” men or “conscious” men to show this kind of concern over a woman’s experience.
Often I would talk with women for hours before we had sex, because I refused to move forward if there was even the slightest doubt about it being a true “yes”.I thought that because she didn’t say no, that I did my job, but I was wrong.